When I was 16, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up: a film music composer. So, with a loan from my Dad, I purchased an iMac, recording software and an electronic keyboard.
Since then this career path has drifted in and out of my focus. I’ve lost interest in it multiple times. I’ve discovered new and different passions (karate and muay thai…yeah – what?!), explored different jobs and have become quite bored or unimpressed with all of them.
Why the lack of focus?
Creative work is very difficult and it often means a great deal to the artist. It is difficult to be financially stable if you rely solely on musical work – unless you’re excellent and lucky. These, among others, are reasons that putting one’s work into the world for judgement is a frankly terrifying prospect.
An added layer is impostor syndrome. I’ve got it bad. Well, to my definition anyhow. It’s possible that I’ve held back because I’m terrified of being discovered. Well, to spare myself the discovery, here are three confessions:
- I cannot read music, for the life of me. It’s the bane of my musical existence.
- I cannot play to a metronome to save my life.
- Music theory baffles me.
I have been asked, on many occasions and in multiple variations (usually in an unmasked tone of skepticism), “how do you expect to be a composer if you can’t read music?” or alternatively, “understand music theory?” etcetera. I think what people mean, is that it may be difficult to be a composer in a professional capacity without the ability to sight-read. They must, because whether or not I can currently sight-read, I am a composer.
I have been caught up in the trudge of everyday life for the past year and haven’t spent focused time on composing. In a strange twist of fate and a world-wide pandemic, I suddenly have extra time on my hands.
To ensure I never again, in one day, become entrenched in the consumption of an entire season of Hell’s Kitchen…I resolve to post a composition every day until isolation is over. Because guess what? The worst thing that can happen is that no one listens to it. And that doesn’t seem much a risk at all. If my music is no good, no one will hear it anyway *wink*.
Love from, Amber
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Postscript (warning: contains Hunger Games spoilers):
Posting music is often accompanied by the compulsion to explain every mistake, delay or circumstance under which the music was written. That said, I will resist the temptation and give just a brief description of the first post in my isolation-composition challenge.
I was rather uninspired by the music at Rue’s death scene. For a grade 12 culminating task, (so approximately 7 years ago – yikes) I wrote and recorded a “replacement” piece for it. I haven’t listened to this piece in a long while but I must admit, upon my return to it, I am rather impressed with my younger self.
You can view the segment I re-composed for here, if it’s not available (due to the use of copyright material) there is an audio link below!
ACP Music 
Though you have highlighted something true with regards to the fact you can still compose without knowing music theory, perhaps it’s a step forward for your career if you try to consider how to address the content of your confessions. The easy one is music theory: why does it baffle you?
This possibly will lead you down many narrow roads that sometimes seem to teeter on the edge of “so what?”, but the underlying principle is there: music theory helps musicians develop and explain music. It’s not the end-all be-all of composition, but it provides a language that is helpful for digesting and creating when it comes to the act of composition.
Perhaps after addressing the content of your confessions, you might stop using them as indicators of imposter syndrome, but more an indicator of next steps as a musician and composer. Then maybe you can further address the underlying question of whether or not it is what you want to do as a career, rather than whether or not these confessions indicate it is unfit as a career.
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